Five Points of Connection

by Jen on March 24, 2006

By Nick Sidwell

There were 5 things I looked for when choosing girls to date and looking for a future wife.

Imagine a suave missionary returning home and falling in love with you. After going on a few dates and meeting his parents, he gets down on one knee, pulls out a little box and… well this is a stereotype people have of what life should be like. However, after I got home from a mission, dating was a battle! Really, I didn’t want to date because I was scared of getting married- but that is what you do when you get home from a mission, right? For me it was different. I didn’t feel like I was ready to get married and girls acted different when they found out I was an RM. They all-of-a-sudden put on their “wife shopper” alert. I just wanted friends because I was starting out in college and I didn’t know anybody but it all turned sour when girls found out I had just gotten home from a mission. I know it’s different outside of Utah but the RM-symbol-of-approval is common among the LDS church parents and their daughters. It wasn’t until I learned a few things about dating that I had a change of perspective, a paradigm shift, which made all the difference.

First, I decided that I needed to change my attitude about marriage after being in a fireside and hearing them talk about marriage being the first real commandment we received on earth. Adam and Eve were married and told to multiply and fill the earth- that was the first commandment. I realized that I was going in opposition to this commandment, so I decided to put off my fears and get married. Now I couldn’t just walk down the street singing “Bless her beautiful hide…” and grab a girl that I thought might do. I had to have a plan. We have heard the counsel to “marry your best friend;” even president Hinckley said that was what he did. I read books and talks and went to firesides but one thing really stuck out to me in an institute class. I made up this analogy about David and Goliath, which I adapted from John Bytheway. I like analogies. They, like parables, teach us all something different. This is an analogy about dating that helped me see what is really important in dating and how to be a little more successful…

I was the stalwart David- of course, going to slay Goliath, which was marriage. Not that marriage was a beastly giant ready to put me asunder, I just struggled with it. It was an obstacle for me. So anyway, about this analogy: When David went to slay Goliath, “… he took his staff in his hand, and chose him five smooth stones out of the brook, and put them in a shepherd’s bag which he had, even in a scrip; and his sling was in his hand: and he drew near to the Philistine.” David chose smooth stones out of the brook. These stones became what I was searching for. The sling was dating and the stones were the girls I chose to date. It is kind of a funny analogy because the final “stone” I chose actually got a stone to wear on her finger.

So there I was, David, looking for stones in the brook. They had to be polished and smooth, easy for dating or “slinging”.

There were also 5 points of criteria that I looked for when searching for girls to date.

1) We had to connect physically. Physical attraction is so important but if that was there and the four other points were lacking, I could easily let that stone fall. Imagine if David threw a shinny little ruby at Goliath and it only bounced off. Well, hey! The stone looked great but it wouldn’t do the job. Rubies don’t kill giants, and looks alone don’t make a marriage.

2) We had to connect spiritually. This one was the weighty one. Have you ever held a pumice stone? It looks big and heavy but is full of holes so it’s actually very light. I knew I didn’t want someone like that who only seemed spiritually capable. Or on the flip-side, I didn’t want someone like a lead rock– so deep into everything that I get lost. Too much weight is hard to swing. Once again, spirituality makes the stone substantial enough to take down Goliath but it is not all.

3) We had to connect emotionally. The stone had to be visible, not buried in the mud. I had to be able to find the stone and see what it was like. I wanted to be able to share my time and feelings with a girl; get to know who she really is.

4) We had to connect in ideals. We had to want the same things, like children and a savings account. This is like the size of a stone. It had to fit in my bag and in my sling, it would have to fly in the right direction when flung into the air and not be oddly shaped as to veer off and miss Goliath all together.

Lastly, 5) We had to connect in strength. Some stones seem super hard but on impact will crumble. Some withstand heat and pressure more than others. I knew I wanted a stone that would not crumble when it hit something hard. I needed someone that would make it through the flight of life and hit the Goliath-sized marriage with full force even through opposition.

Marriage is so important to God, it was the first thing that Adam and Eve did and is requisite for exaltation. You have to be prepared to find the right person- that is why David chose those five stones and not just one.

In your dating life look for someone who can help you become celestial material. Choose your stones wisely- in other words, date only those who have what it takes. Look for the spiritual and physical connection. Give yourself time to bond emotionally and talk about each other’s ideals. Be strong together to make life what it should be- Joyful. (2 Nephi 2:25) In the end, your companion is the one who will walk with you to your place in heaven throughout the eternities to come. Good luck!

Nick Sidwell has a BS degree in Communications and Spanish from the University of Southern Utah. Currently, he is living in Cedar City, Utah with his beautiful wife Sarah, who is a fourth-grade teacher in a small town called Parowan. He enjoys all aspects of communication, Spanish, and the sciences and will soon move to grad. school in Henderson Nevada. He also loves to receive productive comments from his readers and answer any questions they may have. You can contact him at sidwello at yahoo dot com.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Anonymous April 3, 2006 at 4:15 pm

I really liked the article. If us girls don’t have an idea about dating we will just be crazy. It is good to have a guys point of view.

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Kimberly April 3, 2006 at 8:29 pm

I loved it! I sent this to my boyfriend and he loved it too! It is really improtant to know what you want before you try to get it.

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Nicole April 5, 2006 at 4:09 pm

Wow! That was great. I hope all RM’s will be like you and see marriage as that giant that seems unconquerable, but with God’s help will always turn out right. It is great to know that I can be loved for who I am, a daughter of God, rather than trying to be accepted as a woman of the world. Thank you!

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OTIS April 5, 2006 at 7:36 pm

Well i love it but even though i haven’t found that special someone yet i still feel connected to this story, i like it alot but there’s one thing i want to know actually there’s alot i want to know but i want to ask a few questions first wnat it it that girls feel that why, and i know about the story about adam and eve but who know’s if there really were and adam a eve were we there i think not and how did they get married for sure god didn’t tell them to right!

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Anonymous April 9, 2006 at 12:37 pm

This was a really great article. I’ve felt the same way before even with all the talks and firesides and eternal marriages and etc, I always have doubts about finding the right guy and getting married. I like his perspective.

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Miranda W. April 25, 2006 at 6:59 am

Thank you so much for this article! I’ve been trying to prepare a lesson on dating and marriage, and this article will help a lot.

I would also like to point out, that on top of searching for the right kind of “rocks” you have to become the kind of rock people would like to sling. You don’t want to be pourous spiritually. You want to look and feel good physically. You want to feel good and whole emotionally. You want to be strong in heat and pressure. If you can’t be that kind of rock, than others will not want to “sling” you. So many times in my dating experience, these guys want to put the stone on my finger, yet they don’t work on the qualities I would want the way I work on my qualities.

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Luara June 18, 2007 at 7:26 am

ummm whats’s an RM? Good Article though!

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Jen June 26, 2007 at 3:12 pm

RM stands for Returned Missionary

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Jessi August 12, 2007 at 12:36 am

I agree that in order to find a “stone” that meets the 5 criteria, you have to become that yourself. It’s funny that I found this article, quite randomly, because I just moved back to Nebraska where there are few dating opportunities compared to Utah, and I was starting to feel a little bitter and hopeless in that arena. This article has helped me put things back into perspective.

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Anonymous February 12, 2010 at 10:47 pm

This is a good artical, but the part about being too spiritual bothers me. I gues the auther is tring to say that you should marry somone with the same I gues you could say "leval" of beliefs. I just think that our goal is striving to be most like Christ and we should not be afraid of being too good. I am building my testimony now so that I will be ready to find my future husband that cares about the gosple just as much as me. I can see that the auther meet well and I love the artical, but it is just alittle misleading.

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