Friend Problems

A Jen Magazine reader emailed this question:

"I just wondered if you guys had any advice on getting friends, because I really am lacking in the department, and I think its because I have higher standards than a lot of people at school. Will you give me some suggestions?"

Jen says: Wow, what a good question! I could give the usual answers like "be yourself" and stuff, but there is more to it than that. In fact, I didn't have a lot of friends in high school or college, just a few close friends. Part of it is that I tend to be quiet/shy around a group of people I don't know, but that's not all of it. I actually started out with a lot of friends in middle school. The schools I went to were pretty "ghetto" and there was a lot of bad stuff going on. My high school was near downtown and a lot of people at school lived in the inner city projects and weren't raised with very high standards. As my friends started doing more and more bad/stupid things I distanced myself from them. I realized they were being a bad influence on me and it was kind of impossible to hang out with them and feel good about it anymore. Even though most people thought I was cool and liked me, I didn't have many close friends left at school by the time I was a senior in high school. Most of my close friends went to other schools or had already graduated.

My high school had a lot of people. There were two different lunchtimes because everyone couldn't fit into the cafeteria at once. One year my few good friends had their lunchtime during the other lunch shift so I wasn't able to sit with them at lunch. Eventually I started to go to the library to read during lunchtime so I wouldn't have to chose between sitting by myself in the lunch room or sitting with people I didn't want to be around because of the way they acted and the things they talked about. The only person sitting alone at lunch was the retarded kid... I thought about sitting with him just to be nice but I didn't. I hated feeling isolated, but sometimes you have no choice but to be in a situation like that.

You definitely can have casual friends who don't share your standards. It's really the only way to be a good missionary to them. Remember that most people are good people even though they may do bad things, and there are reasons why they do the things they do. The only problem is that when it gets down to becoming really good friends with them it usually doesn't work because you won't want to do the same things; like on a weekend maybe you both want to "party" but then you find out that your ideas of partying are very different, lol!

You should still be nice to everyone and hope that you can influence them for the better. Don't make others feel like you look down on them for the things they do because they'll just think you're stuck up. Instead, be Christ-like and be nice in letting them know what you believe. People are most influenced by those who make them feel liked and accepted. That's important to remember!

Don't get yourself stuck by branding yourself to fit with one particular style or group of people. It actually ends up limiting your friend options because people of other styles or groups won't expect you to have anything in common with them. Here's what I mean: let's say a girl starts dressing kinda gothic because she likes certain bands and thinks the style looks cool. At first it will help her make friends with other people who dress gothic too. But then maybe she realizes that she doesn't want to be friends with those people any more or she wants to branch out and make other friends. Even if she decides that she wants to change her style and starts dressing differently, people have already labeled her in their minds as gothic and they don't expect to have much in common with her if they're not into that style. Now let's say there's a cute guy from church who goes to her school and she starts to like him. He's into sports and usually dates cheerleader-type girls. Even though they might end up having a lot in common, he might not ask her out because it's hard for him to see her as the kind of girl he would like. He might also think he's not the type of guy she would like.

Try to become friends with smarter people and those who you would normally consider to be nerdy. You might find that you like them better because they usually aren't into as much bad stuff but they still know how to have fun. An easy way to make smarter friends is to take honors classes whenever you can. Honors classes usually aren't much harder. In fact, I like them a lot better. The teachers give you more freedom and privileges because they trust you more. I didn't start taking honors classes until I got into college and then I wished I had taken all the honors classes in high school. I didn't take them in high school because I expected them to be too hard and I thought "why do more than I have to to graduate?" If I had taken honors classes in high school I probably would have liked school more, had more fun and met better friends.

Here's something I never thought to do when I was in school: pray for good friends! Having good friends is very important so it should definitely be on our list of things to pray about.

All of my good friends now are people who have pretty much the same standards as I do. Some of them I've known for a long time, like girls I met at church when I was a teen. Some of them are new friends. Most of my school friends are long gone because they didn't share my standards.

Since I might not be the best person to ask about making friends, let's ask everyone else what they think. What's your advice on making friends? Leave a comment!