Jen's No Lies Guide to Dating

This is an e-book that I'm writing. You can see it in progress before it's only available for sale! You can also leave comments.

Doesn't it sometimes feel like dating is the most important thing in the world? Well maybe that's because it is the most important thing! OK, maybe not the most important thing but it ranks high up there. I mean, just think about how much it impacts your life!

For all you people with short attention spans, here's a new topic:
Have you ever thought about how different you would be if you were raised by different parents? Pick a set of parents you know who are different from yours and imagine how different you would be if you were raised by them. It's impossible to know exactly how it would be, but try and think about: the things these other parents would have taught you to value, what you would have learned from them and not learned from them by example, who your siblings and other extended family would be, etc. Now subtract the things you learned from your real parents that you would not have learned from these other people if they were your parents. Can you see that if your same soul were born into a different family, and even if by some strange coincidence you had the same body as you do now, you might be a much different person just because of your association with these different people? Using this exercise you can kind of see why different people act the way they do. Your family influences you a ton, mostly without you even realizing it!

Well you can't choose your family now. Or maybe you can. Yes, when you marry someone you are in fact choosing your future family. You will create a new family that consists of you and your spouse (and eventually kids who are a combination of the two of you...weird!). The family you grew up with will fade into the background as your new "family" (spouse) becomes your main influence. We've already established that your family helps determine who you are, so when you choose to marry someone you are also choosing the person you'll ultimately become. Think about this: if you don't get divorced, you will probably end up living with your spouse for at least twice as long as you ever lived with your parents and siblings. That makes them a major influence, right? Like a best friend times a thousand!

O.K., so I tricked you. That was really the same topic. Knowing that your future spouse will determine the future you, you should be thinking that I'm saying it's important to be picky about who you marry. You should also be thinking "yeah, yeah, of course I'm gonna be picky about who I marry". Maybe you've even done the exercise where you write down all of the qualities and traits your perfect mate would have. I was at a church youth activity one day and we were asked to do that. So I made my list: my future husband had to be fun and have a good sense of humor and like the same type of music, etc., and of course be sexy/cute to me, and also had to be my same religion, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He had to be worthy to take me to the temple to get married. Our youth leader reminded us to add to the list that they be a person who is righteous and close to the Lord, because that's what's really important. Then they asked us to promise ourselves that we wouldn't lower our ideals about who we would marry. I was 15. Marriage seemed so far off that I didn't feel like anything going on in my life then could effect or relate to me getting married in the future. I was dating a guy who would be leaving on a mission soon, so we weren't too serious. I liked him but I wasn't really in love with him.

A few months later, that boyfriend and I began to grow apart as he prepared for his mission and I prepared to not wait for him ;). There were these other two guys at church who I started to notice. One I had seen around for a while, and I thought he was cute. The other, his friend, was a newer face I had just recently started seeing at church. One day the newer one asked me if I wanted to go out with him and his friend and a few other people. I said yes. Maybe this was a good way to get to know the other one, who I thought was cute. At the last minute he called and said his friend couldn't go so it would just be us. I was kind of disappointed since I really wanted to see his friend, but I said it was O.K. if it was just us. Now this was turning into a real date. I was almost 16 and I thought it would be fine to go out with him alone. After all, my parents weren't that strict about what I did. He took me to a nice restaurant, which made it even more of a real date; the nicest real date I had ever had.

From our date I thought that he matched my perfect mate traits in a lot of ways. He was fun and we liked the same things and I thought he was cute and really cool and all that. He asked me out again and I said yes. At first we didn't really talk about religion, but after a few dates I started to figure out that he wasn't actually a member of the church. He had only been at church with his friend because his friend (a member) had invited him. Now this was a little bit of a problem. I knew I wasn't supposed to date non-members, but by that time I was starting to really like him and didn't want to stop dating him. In fact, after only a couple of dates he had given me this ring he always wore and said he only wanted to date me. So cool! All my friends would be jealous. So I thought I would date him for a little longer just for the fun of it. What was the harm in that? I'd rather be going out to nice restaurants and on other fun dates than sitting at home on the weekends waiting for "Mr. Right" to come along.

I kept dating this guy, but I let him know that it bothered me that he wasn't of my faith. He assured me that he was interested in learning about it and joining it. He even came to church every Sunday and was taught by the church missionaries. We started to fall in love. We also became best friends. We did everything together! But the longer we were together the more I realized that he had a lot of problems with substance abuse and other things. His problems ended up dragging me down too. Even though he eventually got baptised, he didn't stop his bad habits. I could tell that most of his interest in religion was for me, not for himself. We dated for a long time; about 2 1/2 years. Pretty soon I had graduated from high school and was in college and was still dating this guy. Now I was old enough to be thinking about marriage and guess who the likely candidate was... that's right, I almost ended up marrying this guy! I could right now be married to a guy who drinks and does drugs and I'd be going to church by myself on Sunday - if at all. We would have children together and it would be a mess. At a time when I thought marriage was sooo far off, I had made a decision that changed the course of my life - until I finally broke up with that guy and got my life back on track. And the funny thing is that it didn't even seem like a decision. It was an innocent date or two and then - not really a decision but an indecision: not to stop dating this guy yet. It would have been pretty easy for me to stop dating him at the beginning, but after falling in love with him we became so close that to think of breaking up with him was heart-breaking.

Obviously you don't just pick someone out at the spouse supermarket and go get married. You date and fall in love and then decide to get married. But what was my problem?! I mean, why did I fall in love with that guy or keep dating him once I realized he was such a loser? Wasn't I really stupid? Well... yes and no. Here's something people don't usually tell you; it's true and it's somewhat of a secret: "falling in love" is a physical thing. It doesn't have much to do with your logical thinking at all.

Let's have a mini lesson here: Heavenly Father wanted us to multiply and replenish the Earth and have families and stuff. Having a baby is really painful for girls, right? And then after they have a baby it's a ton of hard work to take care of it for at least the next 18 years. Guys get married and father a baby and then they have to go work their whole life to bring money and food home to the wife and kid(s). It's not awful but it's not as fun as sitting around playing video games. And you know how hard it is for a parent to try to get their teenager to go do some kind of chore or something, right? So how could Heavenly Father motivate teenage guys and girls to go out and do all of this work having kids and raising families for years and years and years? Well, he came up with this great idea called infatuation...basically he decided to trick us ;)!

Infatuation is a physical feeling that is a response to seeing, talking to or being around a person of the opposite sex. Infatuation happens to both guys and girls. You never know when it will strike! A girl is paired up with this guy in science class to do a lab, and she couldn't care less about him. And then they start working close together and talking a little, and before she knows it, she finds herself liking him; having a crush on him. Wham, infatuation has struck again, a physical reaction in response to being around a person of the opposite sex. When people talk about "falling in love" this is what they're talking about. They call it "falling" and not "choosing" love or "getting in" love because it catches you off-guard. You don't plan it. You're just walking along and wham, you fall.

Infatuation can range from pretty mild, like when you "like" someone or have a light crush on them, to really strong, being totally "in love" and falling really hard for someone. It usually starts out as a light crush and gets stronger and stronger the more you're around and interact with the person. If you stop seeing or being around that person then the infatuation will eventually go away. How long it takes to go away depends on how strong your infatuation was.

You know the feeling... if you don't yet know the feeling I'll explain it. Infatuation is a mix of physical, emotional and sometimes sexual feelings but it isn't related to actual love like the love you feel for your parents or siblings. It feels really funny. It feels really crazy. It's the most awesome feeling ever. All you can think about is that person who you're infatuated with. It can be hard to concentrate on anything else. It's like you're going insane. You'll experience new feelings you've never felt before. Infatuation can be really painful too--some of the worst pain you've ever experienced. But even the painfulness of it is kind of bittersweet because it's a new and interesting kind of pain. Oh, this isn't good because I can't really explain it. I don't know if anyone can. Like I said, it's physical. So let's take a look at what's actually happening. What infatuation does is saturate your brain with chemicals called endorphins, the "feel good" chemicals. Endorphins are naturally released during infatuation and at other times like after a lot of cardiovascular exercise. Alcohol, nicotine and some illegal drugs also stimulate the release of endorphins1. So when you're infatuated, you actually feel high like you're on drugs. This makes it hard to think straight, but it feels so good that you don't really care if you're thinking straight or not. Even though it's a physical thing, it affects your brain, which effects your thinking. Similar to drugs, the infatuation feeling can be very addictive.

All of this sounds so technical, but when you're infatuated you're not thinking about any of this stuff! All you know is that you feel so good when you're around this particular person and you really like them and you want to be around them all the time and you can't wait to see them again, etc., etc. You can't stop thinking about them... it's kind of like you're addicted to them. This isn't a bad thing, it's the way God planned it to be. Once two people start dating, the bodies He designed will take over and start the infatuation process. Infatuation hits, and the two people find that they can't live without each other! They just love to be together, and they're sooo happy. They've fallen deeply in love and they get married and live happily ever after. The infatuation motivation has worked just the way God intended.

I joked that infatuation is a way of "tricking us", but if we follow the plan Heavenly Father laid out for us it all works out to everyone's advantage. The couple is happy, and Heavenly Father is happy because they're doing his work: getting married, bringing children into the world to be tested and helping those children to pass the test. Without this magical infatuation drug, maybe no one would ever get married or have kids. Humans might have become extinct a long time ago!

Infatuation doesn't happen between every two people of the opposite sex. No one really knows why you might become infatuated with one person and not with another. But one thing is for sure, you won't become infatuated with someone unless you are seeing them or hearing them or around them at least a little. Generally, the more contact you have with a person you're starting to become infatuated with, the more the infatuation will grow. Here's where the danger comes in. If you start dating someone who isn't the kind of person you want to be with for the rest of your life, there's a good chance that the infatuation drug will be released and you'll end up falling for them anyway! You then become addicted to them and even though in the back of your mind you know that the person isn't good for you, you think you can't live without them. Really! Not being able to see them would be torture! You're like a cigarette smoker who knows that they should quit. Most find it almost impossible to quit, so they keep smoking. If you know anyone who's dating a jerk but they just won't break up with them, this should give you some insight into their situation.

This is exactly why we shouldn't date outside of our faith. We shouldn't date anyone with lower standards, morals, or ideals than our own. We have to be picky about who we date, because that's the only way to be picky about who we marry. Dating within our faith is really the only way to date "safely".

All throughout the Bible God teaches his people not to marry outside of their faith. This is basic stuff, not a new rule. I know how hard it can be to follow that advice, especially when it means that sometimes you don't have anyone to date, but it really is essential.

Since you're reading this guide to dating I have to assume you're probably not married. Since I'm married, I'll tell you this: a marriage doesn't really work between two people with fundamentally different values. Even two people of the same faith can interperet their religion differently or have different levels of commitment. One of the hardest and I think one of the saddest situations to put yourself into is to allow yourself to fall in love with someone who believes differently than you do. As religious people, our religion is the basis for all of our decisions and actions. It determines our goals in life and even what we believe to be the purpose of life. When you know you disagree with someone about religion, you have to avoid talking about it because you don't want to start an argument, hurt one another's feelings or offend each other. When you have to avoid talking about those deep subjects, your conversations become shallow. You make small talk and only talk about the subjects you know you agree about. This can make you feel very alone and lonely even though you are in a relationship. You are with the person, but you aren't truly connected heart-to-heart and mind-to-mind. There is a divide between you.

So what do you do if you find yourself infatuated with or becoming infatuated with someone who isn't good for you? Well this is my theory from personal experience: the only way to come to your senses is to stop seeing and talking to the person until you're over the infatuation. It might be very painful, but it won't last long and then the infatuation will be over. It's kind of like quitting a drug. You have to go through a period of withdrawal. The sooner you "quit" the easier it will be. Don't drag it out!

When I was single, I was director of the stake singles choir. We were practicing a song that we would soon be singing at a big singles conference. It was a complicated song and I had been trying to get all the singles to come out to our practices and learn it. I had an upcoming practice planned to be held in the evening right after a singles meeting. The practice was going to be at the same place as the meeting so that everyone would already be there. I gave out flyers and sent an email out to everyone a few days before to remind them about it.

At the same time, I was dating the guy who is now my husband. I really liked him and the infatuation drug was working on me, which was fine because we had the same religion and the same fundamental values. On the morning of the day of the singles meeting and choir practice, he called me to invite me to a party at his friend's house that evening. I was really excited to go with him, and I thought "well, I guess it won't hurt if I miss this one singles meeting", not remembering the important choir practice I had been publicizing so much. I missed the practice and didn't even realize it until I had come home from the party/date and was laying in bed. I sat up with an "Oh no!" and I felt sooo stupid! It isn't at all like me to forget things and be so irresponsible. This is just one (and not the worst) example of a time when the infatuation drug effected my thinking and left me impaired.

I bring that up to introduce a fact that no one really wants to face: infatuation doesn't last forever. In fact, relationship experts say that the infatuation or "in love" feeling lasts from six months to three years at the longest. After that, a couple will have times when they feel a resurgence of the sparks of infatuation, but it won't be a constant thing like it was at first. It has to be this way though. Can you imagine if all married people went around "high" like that for the rest of their lives? No one would remember anything or get anywhere. Husbands would never make it out the door to go to work, they just wouldn't be able to leave their wife's side. Cars and planes would be crashing all the time. Parents would be so busy staring longingly into each other's eyes and making out that they wouldn't notice that their 2-year old had just fallen into the pool!

So God planned for the infatuation thing to fade eventually. When infatuation starts to fade, what you're left with is a relationship between two people, whatever else there is between them. If the couple has grown to love each other (as in the true meaning of the word, the way Christ loves us), they respect and admire each other, they have become best friends, they have the same religion and values, and they find each other attractive, they'll live happily ever after. If the relationship was built purely upon the infatuation feeling both people were getting out of it, then the relationship will probably end pretty soon after the infatuation ends. This is when a person dating a jerk or someone who isn't good for them might finally "come to their senses" and break up with that person. Sadly, by the time this happens sometimes a lot of damage has already been done. If the two people have had children together then it becomes an even more difficult situation.

Work Cited:
1 http://www.scienceblog.com/community/older/2001/E/200115333.html